Feb 3

I love you mom. I’ve been thinking about you every single day and it’s been painful. I try and focus on what I’m supposed to do but it has been really hard. I miss you so much that I sometimes just sit or stand and zone out thinking about you. It hurts to look at the things you’ve given me or the memories we’ve shared. I opened a card yesterday while cleaning and it was a birthday card I never got a chance to give to you. I was probably saving it for an upcoming birthday but just totally forgot I had it. I started flipping through a photo album of our adventures and I just couldn’t. I put it back in a box and I’ll need to revisit when I have the opportunity.

I thought again yesterday while folding clothes how much you loved me and I will need to let my kids know how much I love them and that you would’ve loved them so much. I’ll tell them about all the fun stuff we did together and how they would’ve had such a good time with you. You’re my shining star still and it has been hard to think about you without feeling emotional. I love you so much. It’s honestly so helpful to write about it because my life is so different without you and it’s hard to cope without laying out my feelings and just letting everything flow through me. I must feel the pain to get through it. I just want to feel your soft hair on my face when I hug you and smile at you when you drive away after a fun day of hanging out.

It’s so hard not being able to love someone who I always loved my whole life.

Jan 21

I've been so busy with life but I miss you every day still. I have your picture up on my wall and I remember the moments where you made my life a happy safe place. I miss you so much. I'll take some time and write about you this week. Jot down some memories we had and really flesh them out.

- walking in the park on a sunny day
- poking around walmart together
- going shopping
- sitting and chatting over coffee
- trying out new places together
- hanging out with sandy and messing around
- dim sum
- sleeping over at your place
- watching mamma mia and having you sing throughout it
- laughing about random stuff
- having someone to lean on

Dec 31

Today I wrote about you for a scholarship I was recommended for by a faculty member at Humber. I described how it was really hard dealing with your loss and how i struggled to maintain my marks at school. It's the Torys LLP scholarship! I love you mom. I will never forget you or your happy smile. We had a little get together at edward's place and it was insane! so many people showed up and the house really lit up. I'm so happy you taught me the importance of family. I think you would have had a really good time at the party mingling and laughing with everyone I'm sure you would've been a hit.

Dec 29

I remembered the last time I spoke to you. It brought back terrifying memories. Edward held me close and said I told her I’d take care of you and I’m here for you. Then he pulled me in for a permanent hug and fell asleep. Thank god he’s there.

Dec 27

When I’m lonely, bored or just want to speak to someone I call her. She always returns my call and always has something fun happening. I can’t do that anymore. I’m left to my own devices. It’ll take a while for me to get my head into the game and continue on. I miss her everyday. I miss our friendship.

Dec 18

I wake up every morning with a stabbing pain in my heart and a feeling of loss. The familiar looking ceiling makes everything feel so bleak and dreary. Maybe it’d because all these bad things are happening and I just need to deal with it. The anxiety that I was feeling actually wasn’t going through her stuff but it was the reality I need to face after going through her things. What happens now that I’ve picked up all the pieces? I still don’t have my mom at the end of the day. All I have are old photos, memories and this searing pain every morning. I thank god Edward is here.

We were supposed to hang out in front of the tv and Edward had left the room to go downstairs. I sat on the bed day dreaming until suddenly my dad called. I put him on speakerphone and got my hair repair cream out that I had rediscovered that morning. Minutes later Edward peeked in to check if i was okay. what a nice guy :)

Dec 10

10 more days and it’ll almost be a month since you passed away. I miss you. I lay awake thinking about you late nights and early mornings. It’s hard to look at pictures of you. I saw a picture of you at the hospital room and thought about the last time I saw you. The last time I had a chance to speak to you. Tell you how much you mean to me, how you make me feel, how you touched my soul with your love. I knew my life was changed, everything darkened permanently that day.

I try to be brave and it helps but it feels good to let it out sometimes. You’ll never read the loving messages I left on your phone for when you get better to read. You won’t know what will happen to me and tony as we grow old. I’m so grateful I had you. I’m so sad I have to say good bye.

Dec 13, 2018

Dec 13, 2018
It was between sleep and consciousness where I dreamt about you. I remember when we decided to let you go. Let you, go. I remember crying and not being able to control myself. I remember sitting in a small waiting room with Edward, Tony and Vivien holding onto a tissue box with my other hand holding dad's hand. This was after they discovered your second stroke and told us you would no longer be capable of doing anything with your life ever again.

The icu told us awful heartbreaking things like how you can't walk, you'll be blind, you can't even feed yourself or how you can't even stay at home with dad since you would require an institution to take care of you. They asked if we wanted to confirm a DNR and we said yes knowing it was the best for you. I couldn't believe that I would ever need to say those words. How fucked up is that.

I wanted to be selfish and keep you but knowing your personality you would want to wake up and die every day. I could not let you experience that because I love you.

I've never felt like such a child. I've never needed to crawl into a hole and just wished my life to end so I could be closer to you. I knew that the person I've known my whole life would no longer be here.

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What I wanted to say at her funeral but I realized that it's personal

My beautiful mom who was also my best friend passed away last week. I love her so much and this event is literally my worst nightmare come true. She is the light in my life and the person who I have relied on for anything and everything. Her passing was a sudden, shocking and unfortunate event.

I haven’t even turned 30 and I thought I would have my mom for another 30 years at least. Life can be unfair sometimes and I really expected to have my mom watch me get married and have kids, I guess that will never happen now. To everyone hearing this please cherish the people you have in your life now and show them you love them every day.

I showed my mom my love for her through my actions and words every chance I had and looking back I do not regret anything. I was lucky to have my mom for almost 30 years, I just have to accept the fact that she has to leave us earlier then expected. Those years together are the best memories I will ever have and I will cherish them until the day I die. But now these memories are just memories and the one person I share them with is gone.

I will take those memories and everything you have taught me to live my life to the fullest and hopefully one day I will have kids who I can share the same bond that we did.

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(no subject)

Dec 6, 2018
Hello, it has been absolutely hellish since my mom died last Wednesday (Nov 28). 

I feel like I've lived a whole different life and aged a million years. Life has thrown me for a loop and it has really made me feel so many emotions I have not felt ever before. This is an experience that I did not think I would ever be in, it's absolutely terrifying, humbling, shocking and just makes you feel as if the world has fallen out from under you. I just want to hold onto every moment I've ever had with her. I just want to make all the doctors go away and hold my mom's arm as we stroll arm in arm through a sunny park. Life will never be that simple again. I will never feel that comfortable and carefree ever again.